How many cars can an ‘Enthusiast’ have?

Or put another way how much space do you really need…

Phenomena from the parallel world of project vehicles.
Indeed, fleet size is related to theoretical storage places thus:
Fs = Pth + Ptemp + int(0.5+(Dnew + S))
Where
Pth is the theoretical storage places is based on Mini sized vehicles, stacked.
Ptemp is theoretical storage places available on a temporary basis from friends and family,
Dnew is variable between 0 and 1 based on desirability ratio of the new purchase.
S is the imaginary factor, 0 to 1, induced by the concept that ‘its a scrapper with loads of good bits on which I can sell on eBay and make…’

Thus, someone with only one parking space will own two cars and be in the process of scrapping a third, in a friends chicken shed, whilst looking at prices of an intermittent fourth.
There is also the fact that when four or more actual spaces are available, one of the vehicles becomes a ‘long term project’ and will not move for at least five years until trees grow through it, only then may it be replaced with a newer long termer.

Garage capacity.
Garages are permitted to only store half their actual storage capacity (as opposed to theoretical capacity which is based on packing cars in so tight you get out through the sun roof and lift a mini in sideways).
The other half must be full of the ‘useful bits’ that you took of the scrappers over the last decade, plus half a bag of soil per car per year stored.
There is also the ‘cyclic focus phenomena’.
This is where one starts with a wreck (project) and one purchases another wreck (donor) in order to restore the first wreck to its (imaginary) former glory.
At the start of the process wreck A is the focus of all the attention. Talk in the pub centres around original or novel features and the fact that one much like this almost won le Mans in 1963 (but with a different engine and chassis/body). Mention is also made to the massive potential the car has to be ‘tuned up’ to produce five million hoarse power by using the Canadian market intake and tubular exhausts.
Wreck A was bought with a few months MOT left on it. It was driven round a bit and only broke down when it rained or after it was left parked on a slight incline. Then it was laid up in an arbitrary garage/lock up/friends field with a tarp over it (thus ensuring massive corrosion).
This must be left for at least six months before any work may start. Don’t know why but it just seems to be that way.
Then, one day when the sun comes out, an investigation reveals corrosion (we can patch that up), some parts completely worn out and some bodges that the previous owner has installed. How it got an MOT like that is a mystery, but you would quite like to know the number of that garage to see if they can do your other cars!
So many parts are needed that wreck B is purchased.
Wreck B is a bargain, it has almost (but not quite) all the bits you need plus a really ‘desirable’ dash quadrant trim piece that you are sure will sell on ebay for the price of the car.
Whilst removing the seats, you see shiny paint and notice the floor is in really good condition, much better than wreck A.
There now follows the ‘focus re-alignment phase’.

A gradual process where more parts from wreck B are to be fitted to wreck A, until the tipping point is reached and there is more of wreck B in Wreck A than there is original bits.
There now follows much discussion and beer drinking. Some standing around the car and a fair bit of pointing at it.
Now the plan is to fit a few bits from A onto B and swap the registration.
During this whole phase, no actual parts are physically touched, they just sit there, rusting and seizing.
Now the focus has been successfully moved to wreck B and wreck A will be sold as a ‘project vehicle, 90% finished’.
Money has been spent, rent has been paid, time has passed. But you still have a shit car.

Abnormal behaviour.
Anyone found with space in their garage will be excommunicated immediately. Anyone found with a clean and tidy garage will be shot. Anyone thinking of converting a garage into a spare room will be shot twice and excommunicated an indeterminate number of times.


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About Ralph Hosier

I love exploring everything the world has to offer, the fabulous beauty and intricacies of nature, the stunning majesty and grandeur of the universe, and the fascinating range of chocolates available from the local sweety shop. I have led a charmed life, sure there has been extremes, but the highs far outweigh the lows. I get paid for arsing about in very fast cars, I get to write about them and amazingly get paid for this too. My days are usually filled by making prototype and concept cars for car companies, a dream job. I have lived many of my dreams, worked all over the world, raced cars built by my own hand (and hardly ever crashed really badly), seen things and done stuff. But nothing compares to the love of Diana and my son Peter, beyond my greatest hopes. I am a chartered engineer, a member of the Institute of the Motor Industry (IMI), and of the Institute of Engineering and Technology (IET) and I am a member of the Guild of Motoring Writers. A pleasing fact is that there are now more letters after my name than there are in it ;) R.Hosier B.Eng(Hons) C.Eng MIET MIMI MGoMW
This entry was posted in Humor, or at least a close approximation.. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to How many cars can an ‘Enthusiast’ have?

  1. This is so true .. I know quite a few people this applies to 🙂 keep it up

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